I was curious, I click, and I read. then.. I cried.

Letter from mom to her daughter

          “My dear girl, the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, don’t interrupt to say: “You said the same thing a minute ago.” Just listen, please. 

            Try to remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story night after night until you would fall asleep. When I don’t want to take a bath, don’t be mad and don’t embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl? When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don’t look at me that way. Remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair, and dealing with life’s issues every day. 

            The day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If I occasionally lose track of what we’re talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can’t, don’t be nervous, impatient, or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you. And when my old, tired legs don’t let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked. When those days come, don’t feel sad—just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love. I’ll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared. With a big smile and the huge love I’ve always had for you, I just want to say, I love you, my darling daughter.”

             Just found it on my email sent by my father, I don't know why my father sent me this kind of letter. I just openend my email to look up for my password confirmation for twitter, then I just saw this mail with title "Letter from mom to her daughter" , I was curious, I click, and I read. then.. I cried. 

Jatuh cinta itu aneh

Jatuh cinta itu aneh. apapun yang kau lakukan, orang itu selalu terbayang-bayang. Saat kau mengambil gelas dari lemari dapur atu menggosok gigi, atau mendengarkan cerita seseorang, pikiranmu melayang,lalu kau membayangkan wajahnya, rambutnya, aromanya, dan kau memikirkan pakaian apa yang dia kenakan dan apa yang akan dia katakan saat berjumpa dengan mu lagi. lalu dalam keadaan seperti melayang dalam mimpi itu, perutmu seakan terikat tali karet, lalu naik dan turun selama berjam-jam sehingga akhirnya berhenti didekat jantungmu. 

if you tickle me, I'm not responsible for your injuries.

Dont like me? cool!!!

when I saw you had a girlfriend, I felt that I was dying... and when I saw her profile picture, I died but laughing...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I don’t want to make the same mistake again, this is really bothering me, and I know if I put it off any longer- things just might get worse. But who knows, I’m confused, as fuck. I don’t know what to do, I just don’t want anything bad to happen.

And life continues on. Probably my best metaphors yet.

Ignorance is never bliss. When your good friends are originally bitches behind your back. And the person you like leaves you for strangers. So I suggest you stop giving two shits about those who lack care for you and pay more attention to the solid things in your life: the people who will never leave you, the family that will always love you, and the knowledge you hold that’ll be your best friend for succeeding happiness.

I’m fine kickin’ it by myself, but it’s always nice to have friends around and warm smiles from acquaintances that know you, for some good thoughts to be shared. My mind doesn’t always have to be wrapped around conversation, I love being stupid with someone. I have a lot more fun when I’m not spending so much time thinking and trying so hard about wondering what to say next. 

A door to the universe closed, as did a door to an empty room. Another door opened to park in the sunlight. And life continues on. Probably my best metaphors yet.

I can't tell you..

There’s this feeling I have. I want to tell you that I care for you, but I really don’t think that you’d care. I’d probably just push you away from me more. I don’t know why I feel like this - I already know that you don’t feel the samy way. Sigh…

Fuck it. I’m a pussy.

Sigh, seems so hard to get up the courage to just talk to other people. I don’t know how others do it so easily. I hate just being naturally shy towards people I don’t know, especially when I’m not surrounded by my friends. It’s just so awkward… I don’t want to be around anyone right now, I just want to be alone. Bleh, too bad that’ll never happen.

asdfghjklove-_-

When I see you, I get butterflies. My face lights up and an instant smile appears on my face. When you call my name, I feel chills go down my spine. When we’re near each other, I feel so happy. I like the feeling of your arms around me or just hearing your voice. I’m so lame; I don’t like this feeling… But you’re just so adorable.

I am just frustrated with everything.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m alone. No one else on the planet, just me. There are other times where I feel like everyone is staring at me, watching every little thing I do. Self conscious? Yes. Have you ever walked into a restaurant or a fast food place and just thought everyone was staring at you saying, “God. That fatty’s eating again?” I absolutely despise eating in public, even with friends. It makes me feel so nervous, and God, I think to myself… Why the fuck do I have two shits about what others think of me?

I am literally THIS close to crying my eyes out right now. Why didn’t I push myself to become active when I was younger.. Why did I decide to eat all this unhealthy shit and not do anything about it when I stepped on the scale.. Why am I who I am… Of course, it’s not right to say that I hate who I am. Maybe it’s just teenage girl hormones kicking in. Fat. Overweight. Obese. Fuck. They all have the same meaning to me. I am not good enough. Yes, society has influenced me. I’d be wrong to say that it hasn’t taken it’s tole on me. I compare myself to others. I’ll never be as pretty as her. I’ll never have a body like that. I’ll never be as smart as her. No one would ever take interest in me. God, I am, SO, stupid… For letting these small things get to me.

It’s not just the external beauty that’s eating me alive. The internal conflict with myself is slowly killing me and what I used to be as a child. Sometimes I wonder if I’m depressed, and that’s why I always have moments like these. But, as for right now, because of the fear of going to doctors and having them tell me my problems. I’ll just call my “depression,” a phase.

I want change. I want it now. I currently dislike who I am. But, to make things fair, yes, I am this way because of my own personal decisions. Here come the consequences. Joy.