I am just frustrated with everything.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m alone. No one else on the planet, just me. There are other times where I feel like everyone is staring at me, watching every little thing I do. Self conscious? Yes. Have you ever walked into a restaurant or a fast food place and just thought everyone was staring at you saying, “God. That fatty’s eating again?” I absolutely despise eating in public, even with friends. It makes me feel so nervous, and God, I think to myself… Why the fuck do I have two shits about what others think of me?

I am literally THIS close to crying my eyes out right now. Why didn’t I push myself to become active when I was younger.. Why did I decide to eat all this unhealthy shit and not do anything about it when I stepped on the scale.. Why am I who I am… Of course, it’s not right to say that I hate who I am. Maybe it’s just teenage girl hormones kicking in. Fat. Overweight. Obese. Fuck. They all have the same meaning to me. I am not good enough. Yes, society has influenced me. I’d be wrong to say that it hasn’t taken it’s tole on me. I compare myself to others. I’ll never be as pretty as her. I’ll never have a body like that. I’ll never be as smart as her. No one would ever take interest in me. God, I am, SO, stupid… For letting these small things get to me.

It’s not just the external beauty that’s eating me alive. The internal conflict with myself is slowly killing me and what I used to be as a child. Sometimes I wonder if I’m depressed, and that’s why I always have moments like these. But, as for right now, because of the fear of going to doctors and having them tell me my problems. I’ll just call my “depression,” a phase.

I want change. I want it now. I currently dislike who I am. But, to make things fair, yes, I am this way because of my own personal decisions. Here come the consequences. Joy.